1. First, the
romantic element is doubly or triply important as a prelude to intercourse in
such cases. If a husband is too busy to
be civil, then he should not expect his wife to exhibit any unusual desire or
enjoyment in bed. She may satisfy his
needs as an act of love and kindness, but her passion will not steam up their
bedroom windows. For the woman
represented by the "inhibited" zone on our normal distribution graph,
a feeing of being loved and appreciated is usually the only route to
excitation. This fact undoubtedly
explains the remarkably high correlation on our questionnaire between Sexual
Problems and Lack of Romantic Love in Marriage.
Almost without exception, when one was rated near the top, the other was
ranked similarly.
2. Secondly, a
husband should recognize that some women do not have to experience orgasms in
order to enjoy intercourse. Many wives
can participate fully in sexual relations and feel satisfied at the conclusion
even though there is no convulsing, ecstatic climax to the episode. (Other, more sensual women feel tremendous
frustration if the tension and the vascular engorgement are not
discharged.) The important thing is that
the husband not demand that his wife experience orgasms, and he should
certainly not insist that they occur simultaneously with his. To do this is to ask for the impossible, and
it puts his wife in an unresolvable conflict.
When the husband insists that his wife's orgasms be part of his
enjoyment, she has but three choices: (1)
She can lose interests in sex altogether, as happens with constant
failure in any activity; (2) she can try and try and try--and cry; or (3) she
can "fake" it. Once a woman
begins to bluff in bed, there is no place to stop. Forever after she must make her husband think
she's on a prolonged pleasure trip, when in fact her car is still in the
garage.
3. Perhaps the most
dramatic contribution a husband can make to marital sexual relationships is to
reverse the trend toward pressurized silence.
When intercourse has been unenthusiastic, and when anxiety has been
steadily accumulating, the tendency is to eliminate all reference to the topic
in everyday conversation. Neither
partner knows what to do about the problem, and they tacitly agree to ignore
it. Even during sexual relations, they
do not talk to each other. Though it
seems impossible, an inhibited husband and wife can make love several times a
week for a period of years without ever verbalizing their feelings or
frustrations on this important aspect of their lives. When this happens, the effect is like taking
an hot coke bottle and shaking it until the contents are ready to explode. Remember this psychological law: any
anxiety-producing thought or condition which cannot be expressed is almost
certain to generate inner pressure and stress.
The more unspeakable the subject, the greater the pressurization. And as described in the previous section,
anxious silence lead to the destruction of sexual desire.
Furthermore, when conversation is prohibited on the subject
of sex, the act of intercourse takes on the atmosphere of a
"performance"--each partner feeling that he is being critically
evaluated by the other. To remove these
communicative barriers, the husband should take the lead in releasing the
safety valve for his wife. That is done
by getting her to verbalize her feelings, her fears, her aspirations. They should talk about the manners and
techniques which stimulate--and those which don't. They should face their problems as mature
adults...calmly and confidently. There
is something magical to be found in such soothing conversation and anxieties
are reduced when they find verbal expression.
To the men of the world, I can only say, "Try it."
4. The fourth way
husbands can increase the sensuality of their less passionate wives is by
paying attention to the geography and techniques of intercourse. Women are more easily distracted than men;
they are more affected by the surroundings and noises and smells than are their
husbands. The possibility of being heard
by the kids bothers women more, and they are more dependent on variety in
manner and circumstances. Another rather
common inhibitor to women, according to the concerns verbalized in counseling
sessions, is the lack of cleanliness by their husbands. A service station operator or a construction
worker may become sexually aroused by something he has seen or read during the
day, causing him to desire intercourse with his wife as soon as he arrives home
from his job. He may be sweaty and grimy
from the day's work, smelling of body odor and needing to use some Crest on his
teeth. Not only are his fingernails
dirty, but his rough calloused hands are irritating to his wife's delicate
skin. An interference such as this can
paralyze a woman sexually, and make her husband feel rejected and angry.
Spontaneity has its place in the marital bed but
"sudden sex" often results in "sudden failure" for a less
passionate woman. In general, I believe
sex should be planned for and prepared for and anticipated. For the man who has been dissatisfied with
his recent sex life, I suggest that he call a local hotel or motel and make
reservations for a given night, but tell no one about his plans. He should arrange secretly for the children
to be cared for until morning, and then ask his wife to go out to dinner with
him. After they have eaten a good meal,
he should drive to the hotel without going home or announcing his
intentions. The element of surprise and
excitement should be preserved to the very last moment. Once inside the hotel room (where flowers may
be waiting), the happy hormones will dictate the remainder of the
instructions. My point is that sexual
excitation requires a little creativity, particularly in cases of a
"tired" relationship. For
example, the widespread notion that males are inherently active and females are
inherently passive in a sexual sense is nonsense; the freedom to express
passion spontaneously is vital to enjoyment.
When one makes love in the same old bedroom, from the same position and
surrounded by the same four walls, it has to become rather routine after so
many years. And routine sex is usually
bored sex.
A physician named Schwab (who has undoubtedly heard every
possible joke about his name) described the difficulties a woman may experience
in playing the three unique roles expected of her; she must be a wife,
mistress, and mother. A loving wife who
is diligently maintaining her home and caring for the needs of her family is
unlikely to feel like a seductive mistress who tempts her husband into the
bedroom. Likewise, the requirements of
motherhood are at times incompatible with the alternate roles of wife and
mistress. Though these
"assignments" seem contradictory, a woman is often asked to switch
from one to another on short notice. Her
husband can help by getting her away from the wife and mother responsibilities
when it is time for her to be his mistress.
Someone said, "By the time I tuck the kids in, put the
cat out, and take the telephone receiver off...who cares?" It's a very valid question.
5. Another sexual
"inhibitor" which husbands should understand is fatigue itself. Physical exhaustion plays a significant part
in some women's ability (or inability) to respond sexually. By the time a mother has struggles through an
eighteen-hour day--especially if she has been chasing an ambitions toddler or
two--her internal pilot light may have flickered and gone out. When she finally falls into bed, sex
represents an obligation rather than a pleasure. It is the last item on her "to do"
list for that day. Meaningful sexual
relations utilize great quantities of body energy and are seriously hampered
when those resources have already been expended. Nevertheless, intercourse is usually
scheduled as the final event in an evening.
If sex is important in a marriage, and we all know that it
is, then some time should be reserved for its expression. The day's working activities should end early
in the evening, permitting a husband and wife to retire before exhausting
themselves on endless chores and responsibilities. Remember this: whatever is put at the bottom of your
priority list will probably be done inadequately. For too many families, sex languishes in last
place.
Many of you have read Dr. David Reuben's best selling book
entitled, WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE AFRAID TO
ASK. (I bought Dr. Reuben's book because
I've always liked his sandwich so well.)
But after considering the frequent inhibitions caused by utter
exhaustion, I think Dr.Reuben should have called his book, WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX BUT WERE TOO TIRED TO ASK!
6. Finally, we should
spend a moment or two discussing the relationship between self-esteem and
sexual enjoyment. I said in the
beginning of this book that every item on the Sources of Depression list is
related to every other issue. That fact
is certainly evident in the connection between self-worth and the ability to
respond to sexual stimuli. A woman who
feels ugly, for example, is often too ashamed of her imperfect body to
participate in sex without embarrassment.
She knows it is impossible to disguise forty-year-old thighs, and her flaws
interfere with her sensuality. Sex for
human beings is inseparably connected with our psychological nature. Hence, the person who feels shy and timid and
inferior will usually express his sexuality in similar terms, or on the other
hand, the self-confident, emotionally healthy individual is more likely to have
a fulfilling sex life. Therefore, a
husband should recognize that anything which reduces his wife's self-esteem
will probably be translated into bedroom problems. His ridicule of her small breasts or varicose
veins or large buttocks, even in fun, may make her self-conscious and
uncomfortable during future sexual encounters.
Any disrespect which he reveals for her as a person is almost certain to
crop up in their physical relationship, as well. In this regard, our sexual behavior differs
radically from the mechanistic responses of lower animals. The emotional concomitants simply cannot be
denied or suppressed in human beings.
Book: What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women
By Dr. James Dobson
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